Weddings > Ideas & Advice > It's His Wedding, Too!

It's His Wedding, Too!

...so why is he letting you call all the shots? Here's how to get him motivated to plan a wedding that reflects you both.

Virtually the moment I got engaged, I became a planning machine, turning ideas I'd been dreaming about into details to tick off a list. My fiancé? I just figured he wouldn't mind if I coordinated the whole shebang myself. Don't ask, don't tell. But after he witnessed my first minor planning freakout ("I can't rest until the cake flavor is finalized!"), we both began to realize that this was a two-person job. So we started over, slicing my list in two: He would handle the music, the menu and the ceremony readings. I would tackle the flowers, favors and seating chart. Everything else would be decided jointly, democratically and as a pep-rallied team. He felt useful, and I lightened my load. This wasn't just about helping - this was about sharing.

"Wedding planning is no longer a girls-only process," says Robbi Ernst, author of Great Wedding Tips from the Experts (Lowell House). "As more and more couples are covering some or all of the wedding expenses, grooms have naturally begun to play a bigger role in the planning." New York City-based wedding planner Marci Blum, coauthor of The Wedding Kit for Dummies (IDG Books), agrees. "A marriage is a partnership, and it begins with planning the wedding. If you can work together to plan that, then you'll be in better shape for your marriage," says Blum.

Nice in theory - but how do you go about getting your guy to really care about the planning process? Here are some guidelines that may help to, uh, engage him.

Make Room

"Many grooms want to be involved, but they don't know where to start, and they're scared to step on your toes - or your mom's," says Ernst. Your guy probably hasn't thought too much about it, and he may have no idea what a wedding entails, says Ernst, whereas you've likely been picturing your big day for years. It's up to you to pull him in on the decision-making. Let him know there's room for everyone to participate, and that you want to hear his opinions, gut reactions, preferences. Specific questions - "Do we want a band or a DJ?" - usually yield better responses than open-ended ones, which cultivate noncommittal answers: "Whatever. You decide."

Right from the beginning, Heather, 25, of Belmont, Massachusetts, told her fiancé, Mike, she wasn't flying solo. "I reminded him that this was our day, not my day, and that I wanted his input on everything. Since neither of us had a clear picture of what we wanted from the beginning, it worked out really well. Mike didn't feel like he was ruining my 'ideal' celebration with his suggestions."

Give Him the Details

When Amy, 27, of Washington, D.C., was planning her November 2000 wedding, details threatened to overwhelm her. To ease some of Amy's anxiety, she and her fiancé, Steve, met with a wedding planner. "I didn't know if Steve understood how much work was involved, until the planner started listing all the tiny details, from the color of the linens to the seating chart," says Amy. After that meeting, Steve offered to pitch in - and did enough so that they no longer needed outside assistance.

Put His Interests to Use

Is your fiancé an accountant? Have him draw up a budget. If he's a writer, put him in charge of the vows or the invitation wording. In setting up a two-person plan of attack early on, Rachel, 25, of Framingham, Massachusetts, asked her fiancé, David, which tasks sparked his interests or enthusiasm - then asked if he would mind committing to them, start to finish. "David loves photography, and he's good at it, so he really wanted to meet all the photographers and see their work before we chose someone. And I was pleasantly surprised at how important choosing the reception location and the band's playlist were to him, too," says Rachel. Tip: Proceed with an open mind.

Change Your Perspective

Before you start planning that fantasy-fuelled extravaganza, stop. Forget the whole wedding idea for a minute. Sit down with your fiancé and pretend you're planning a New Year's Eve or birthday party instead. What would be the most important aspect of your shindig? What would you spend the most money on? What's relatively less important? "If you approach it - for a few minutes, anyway - as a laid-back party that the two of you are throwing together, it becomes less intimidating, and you'll get more involvement, input and help from your guy," says Blum.

Mine His Memory

Ask your fiancé what he remembers about weddings he's attended. What did he love or hate? Which wedding stands out the most, and why? At which wedding did he have the most fun? The answers to these questions will give you both a better idea of what is important to him. "We went to two weddings during the year we were engaged, and we did a lot of observing at them," says Rachel. "One of the best parts was whispering to each other during the evening and then rehashing everything afterwards. It was a lot of fun, and learning each other's preferences brought us closer together," she says.

Discuss Your Relationship

Any way that you can personalize your ceremony or reception won't only add to your guests' enjoyment, but will also make planning more fun and meaningful for you. Heather was able to do this, thanks to one of Mike's ideas: "We both love golf, so when he suggested we give golf balls and tees with our names and wedding date on them as favors, I immediately agreed."

Jennifer, 29, of Walled Lake, Michigan, and her fiancé, Phil, have put a twist on the reception playlist with a nontraditional tune that hits home. "Since we're both high school teachers and we met at the school where we work, we've requested that the DJ play Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher'!"

Shy Away From Tradition

Amy and Steve's Washington, D.C., wedding attracted many out-of-town guests who were unfamiliar with the city. So the couple opted to forego the rehearsal dinner and try something different: They rented a coach bus, hired a tour guide and gave their friends and family a "Monuments by Moonlight" tour of the town. "The guests loved it, and it was nice for us to simply relax and mingle before the big day," says Amy. They also personalized their reception with wine choices. "We offered a California red, since that's where Steve is from, and a Long Island white, to represent where I grew up."

Top Ten Man-Friendly Duties

Maybe your fiancé's excellent handwriting can grace invitation envelopes, or his knack for flower-arranging rivals that of your florist. No? Well here are 10 tasks he may be inclined to tackle. But before you start assigning, make sure he's ready and willing!

• Booking a band/DJ and writing up a playlist
• Going for a menu tasting
• Planning the honeymoon
• Keeping track of the finances
• Booking bridal-party transportation
• Creating a signature cocktail
• Keeping track of guest responses
• Registering (especially at a store that features gun scanners)
• Giving you a stress-relief massage (and receiving one for himself!)
• Planning the rehearsal dinner